


To All The Girls That's Hurting

by TheImmortalThiefLord



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anorexia Nervosa, F/F, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8357836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheImmortalThiefLord/pseuds/TheImmortalThiefLord
Summary: Octavia's weight diary--trigger warning





	

**Author's Note:**

> Octavia is about 17 years old here, living with her girlfriend Clarke. Modern AU. If you want more tell me and I'll do so!

December 11th  
Weight: 121

Clarke was giving me 'the look' again today. I forced myself to eat a piece of chicken but it was dry and made me want to throw it up again. Thank God she went to the hospital early tonight, I didn't have to pretend to eat anything for supper. 

I don't know why I keep writing in this stupid diary. It just makes me depressed because my weight has been stuck on 120 for five days now and I can't get it to move. I gained a pound eating Clarke's chicken (18) with "creamy sauce" (54) two days in a row. I tried to purge it again last night but I can't get the fucking stuff out of me. Yay. Another pound tomorrow. Fat pig.

 

December 13th  
Weight: 120.5

Clarke decided we should go Christmas shopping today. I almost couldn't go because of all the food in the mall, but then I decided it would just make me stronger to see all the food and not eat any of it. When we got there the sweet smell of candy canes and greasy popcorn made me nauseous, and I had to run for the bathroom with my hand over my mouth. There was nothing left inside me to come up. The one time I manage to throw up and I didn't have food inside me. Still, it felt good, the idea of cleaning myself out.

I was going to get Clarke her favourite kind of chocolate but when I picked up the candy I started to count the calories (240) and I told myself that it was only going to go on her stomach, so I put it back down. Then I literally slapped myself, in the middle of the store, because I swore to myself that I was never going to think that way about her. She is the most beautiful, kind, caring girlfriend anyone could ask for, and her weight is perfect. Hell, my weight is almost perfect, I just have another 5.5 pounds to go before all the fat is gone. 115, that's a good weight. Not too small, just 12 pounds underweight. And hell, those doctors all push the "average weight" up higher for all the fat people of this world to feel good about themselves. 

Yes, I may have stopped my periods about three pounds ago, and maybe my hair is getting a little thin, but who needs periods anyways? Clarke is going to have the babies of this family. And anyways, my hair was too thick in the first place. A couple less hairs never killed anybody.

 

December 14th  
Weight: 120

Finally back to 120 pounds. I woke up and weighed myself this morning before Clarke was awake and almost cried I was so happy. 120 is only five small pounds away from being gorgeous. Then Clarke won't be lying to me anymore when she tells me I'm beautiful. I'll actually be beautiful enough for her. 

I climbed quietly back into bed with her after I was done weighing myself and lay there running my fingers lightly over her upper arms. They're beautifully toned, the muscles just slightly showing, enough for people to see how strong she is. As much exercise as I do, I can't seem to get any muscles. I thought once I lost all the fat I could work up my muscles, but maybe I just haven't worked enough fat off yet.

Clarke used to pick me up and carry me to our bed and lay me down on my back and kiss me until the stars came out. She used to undress me slowly, putting her hands in all the right places and making me cry out with pleasure.

Now I won't let her see me without at least a tank-top and shorts on. I don't want her to see the way the fat on my stomach bulges out, how thick my thighs still are.

Five pounds to go.

Five pounds will solve everything.

 

* * *

 

Clarke is taking the day off tomorrow and we're going to the lake to go ice skating! We dug out our skates today and made sure they were sharp enough. Mine are a little too big for me, but that's okay. Clarke says I can wear a couple pairs of her thick winter socks and I'll be fine. 

I started blacking out again before lunch, so I let myself eat a little: diet soda (3), lettuce (15), a teaspoon of salsa (5) and a hard-boiled egg white (16). Lunch: (39). I'm still okay. I feel a lot better now, and I've been drinking a lot of water. I had five bottles this morning and it made me feel very bloated, but I should have lost another pound by tomorrow if I'm lucky. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

 

December 21st  
Weight 117.7

I am so close I can feel it! Just two point seven left to go. Maybe I'll treat myself and Clarke to a night out once I hit 115. We can go shopping for dressed to wear to her mothers, and I can wear a small one that will make me look tall and thin, like a model. 

Clarke is working the late shift again tonight; I miss her. I want to snuggle with her under fifteen blankets until I can get warm. I started shivering after I got out of the shower this morning and I haven't been able to stop all day. I'm wear an undershirt, and long sleeved t-shirt with a tank-top over it, my thick sweater, and Clarke's hoodie on top of that, but I can't get warm. Maybe I'll go back upstairs in a second and borrow a pair of Clarke's thick socks.

Later:  
I fell asleep on the couch and I didn't wake up until Clarke got home. It's super late right now and we're cuddled together in the big armchair watching a movie. Clarke wanted to eat popcorn but I told her I was way too full from the huge supper I'd made myself. In truth, all I had was three baby carrot (11) and it's one of those negative-calorie foods that actually burn more calories than is in it being digested. But Clarke didn't ask so I didn't tell, and honestly, you know she'd rather have a beautiful girlfriend who's not freakishly fat. I mean, we both fit into this chair now, we never used to!

I realized today that I'm going to have to eat more than usual for Christmas because we'll be at Clarke's mother Abby's house. Abby, like Clarke, works in the ER at the Mount Weather General, and she gets super thin girls in there all the time, and she's been watching me recently to make sure I'm not becoming like them. I know I'm almost super thin, but I'm not like them, I still eat a little bit and I'm going to stop once I get to 115. I'm not going to become unhealthy and need to stay on the 13th floor like those girls, I'm stronger. 

 

December 24th  
Weight: 115.6

So so so close I can practically taste it! My weight has been dropping almost a pound a day over the past three days, I don't know what's happening but it's amazing! I haven't had a single thing to eat since Wednesday, and I feel great!

 

December 27th  
Weight: Unknown

Clarke broke the scale this morning, she says it was by accident. She said it just slipped out of her hands and fell onto the floor and broke, there was nothing she could do. I need to weight myself after all that food at Christmas, I must have put on ten pounds I feel like a fucking elephant.

 

January 5th  
Weight: 113.4

I'm a little scared right now, my weight has been going down really fast and it didn't stop at 115 like I wanted. I'm sure it's okay to be here, I'm sure it'd be okay to be 100 pounds. I'll be fine. But you can tell Clarke knows something is up, she's been watching me a lot more recently, and she runs her hands over my shoulders carefully, like she might break me.

I almost took her to bed last night but I'd eaten a spoonful of rice and I was feeling really gross. I know I still have some fat spots on me, but I thought being at 115 would get rid of those. Maybe 110 will. I'm going to circle the problem areas in the mirror and see them to work on. 

* * *

My body is covered in bright blue washable marker, there were so many spots I could see fat I couldn't keep up with them all and most of my body has circles on it now. If Clarke sees this when she gets home she'll freak out. I need to go have a bath.

 

January 8th  
Weight: 112

I started swooning today and almost fell over but Clarke caught me before I could and pushed me onto the couch. My vision went black for a minute and as hard as I tried to see, I couldn't. Clarke started asking me all the medical questions, but her first one was: "Have you had anything to eat today?" I nodded, trying to smile and convince her, but she was having none of it. She left me there and went to the fridge, pulling out a casserole she'd made last night and the jug of milk. She gave me a huge plateful and I took a bite to please her, hoping she'd go away so I could dump the rest out, but she sat next to me and tried to feed me little bites. After about five minutes of this I told her I was full and turned away. She didn't see me spit out the wad of food I'd kept in the side of my mouth instead of swallowing. 

It's okay, I'm going to be a better girlfriend to her as soon as I'm beautiful enough. I'll stop lying and I'll eat more and she'll love every part of me. I'll be able to treat her as you should treat a girlfriend, I'll be able to take her into our bedroom and kiss every part of her beautiful skin without worrying about how ugly and fat I am. I will be a good girlfriend. I will.

 

January 20-something  
Weight: --

I passed out on a walk apparently and woke up here. They won't let me go anywhere by myself, even the bathroom, and they have cameras watching me 24/7. I just got my diary today, Clarke brought it in for me. She's been crying a lot, begging me to eat. She tells me I'm too thin, that I'm malnourished, that I am beautiful with curves. She lies and lies and lies and I ask her to stop but she won't stop. She's hurting me.

Demons came to visit me last night after she'd gone. They whispered things in my ear, telling me I was fat and lazy and I wasn't strong enough. But the angels chased them away and sat with me on my bed all night long until I fell asleep. They are promising me I will be safe soon, and happy. They touch me with their cold, cold, hands, and tell me I am strong, and beautiful. They show me my beauty, and for the first time in years, I see how I am beautiful.

I must sleep now, the angels want to talk to me and they can only do so when I am asleep.

Goodnight little diary, mebi oso na hit chada op nodotaim. May we meet again.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, never restrict your eating like Octavia does. She has a disease that is called anorexia nervosa, I have written this very much modeled after my own story. Anyone can get anorexia, and the non-eating part of it can become very addicting. You might think skipping meals is a good way to "loose a couple pounds," but it can be very dangerous.   
> I made Octavia in this story to be 5'7, and although I said she was only 12 pounds underweight at 115, this is not true. I have done a lot of research on body weight, and even being 127 lb. At 5'7 can be very dangerous for some people. (Note: Every body is different! This may not be true for some people.)  
> I did not write this fiction to trigger anyone, or to encourage people to skip meals. I write this to do two things: Firstly, to work through a lot of emotions I've been having recently. This is a part of every fiction I write. But secondly I wrote this to show the dangers of not eating. A few of the side effects can include:  
> Your periods can disappear if you lose enough weight, and this will cause other health problems.  
> You will be cold. All the time. You will get a shiver and it won't go away.  
> Your life will become about one sole thing: food. You will learn how to count calories, and how to restrict them in the worst ways possible. You will see food no longer as something to enjoy, but as something to fear.  
> Your vision will change. No longer will you see people, you will see bodies. You will constantly compare your own body to other people. You will look in the mirror and you yourself will disappear, you will simply become a combination of legs, arms, stomach, and places you can make thinner.   
> A person never fully recovers from anorexia. Once it comes, it's there for good. It will pop up at the most unexpected times, when you're trying on jeans in the mall 10 years from now, when your friend offers you a cracker and you realize it's the same kind you used to eat all the time when you were restricting. However, many people do recover majorly. There is always hope.  
> Only 60% of people with anorexia survive. That means that 40% of people with anorexia die.   
> You have a very very good chance of kidney failure, heart problems (including a weak heart), and your metabolism will be screwed up. That means that even if you do recover from anorexia, you could possibly die of a heart-attack or failed kidneys/liver ten years later.   
> If you or someone you know is suffering from anorexia or any other kind of eating disorder, please get help. Silence is your worst enemy. Silence can kill.
> 
> (Side notes about the content of this fiction:   
> \--I used various elements and was widely inspired by "Letting Ana Go" (Simon Pulse Publishing)  
> \--Many of the calorie counts are correct, but not all of them. I did as much research as possible, but these things are confusing, okay?  
> \--Please please please do not leave any negative comments on this, as they will be deleted. This was a very hard thing to write, it took a lot from me.   
> Now, I'm going to write some fluffy smut. Bye-bye!)
> 
> "She says: "Beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything. What's a little bit of hunger? I could go a little while longer." She fades away. She don't see her perfect, she don't understand she's worth it."  
> ~Alessia Cara--Scars To Your Beautiful


End file.
